Explaining is not a substitute for apologising
Since I began to understand the power structures of the world around us in my early 20s, I have been working on receiving criticism without getting defensive, fragile or ashamed.
It’s a long and on-going process of unlearning and re-patterning my default behaviours, but by now I have a decent sense of how to slow my breath in those moments, how to really listen to the other person and how to give a heartfelt apology that centres their experience.
However, like so many people, I struggle to give critical feedback.
There is something about it that makes my skin crawl. I worry about the other person’s feelings, which are beyond my control. But beneath it all, I fear that asserting a boundary or speaking my truth about something will affect my relationship with the other person, and - by extension - my belonging.
It’s a pattern I’ve been working on shifting in recent years. It’s happening at a snail’s pace, but I am learning.
What’s been interesting since I’ve started practising this more intentionally with people is watching how they respond. What I’m seeing is broadly similar to the patterns I’ve been unlearning since my early 20s.
Most of the responses I’ve experienced fall into two broad categories:
Denial, deflection, blame or excuse
Appeasement through explanation
This post is about the second category.
Appeasement in this context means trying to pacify the person who has offered the critical feedback through a conciliatory gesture - in this case, a long and often frenzied explanation of why the thing that upset me happened in the first place.
I can usually tell when this is at work a few words into a conversation or a few lines into a message. I think the reason I’m so alert to this because something inside of me rebels at the idea of being pacified by the person who upset me.
In the moment, after I’ve mustered the courage to tell someone how their actions impacted me, I usually feel hurt, pissed off, disappointed or angry.
What I want is not to be pacified but to be listened to, feel heard and taken seriously.
But so often, what I receive is a generic “I’m sorry” followed by a long-winded explanation about why the person did what they did.
These explanations are often about circumstances that were outside the person’s control and contributed to the outcome. Things like, “I didn’t know x was going to do that”, or “I thought I had told you about y”. This serves to put some distance between the person and the impact of their actions while shrinking the amount of agency the person claims to have had in that moment.
‘Adding context’ to the experience is supposed to help me understand why they acted that way or how they didn’t have any other choice.
That can be a valid line of inquiry, but if it’s the first and only response to the person you upset, it can be incredibly self-centering. It’s a way of emphasising your intention while minimising the impact of your actions.
What it doesn’t do is meet me in my hurt. And that is precisely what I need in that moment.
Close up photograph of pebbles of different colours and sizes scattered on a sandy beach
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been that person hundreds of times. I understand the impulse to explain - you didn’t mean to hurt the other person, you’re mortified at the fact that you have, and you’re trying to square it all in your head by contextualising why somebody with such good intentions could do such a careless thing.
The truth is, though - we all mess up. The question isn’t if but when and how. So we better learn how to respond well when it happens.
So, what I’ve noticed for myself when I’ve been the person giving the critical feedback is that what I need in that moment is actually quite simple: I need to feel heard, I need to know that you will change your behaviour, and I need to be reassured that my critical feedback hasn’t hurt our relationship.
Here is what that looks like in practice:
Restate what you have done and the impact it has had on me in your own words - This helps me feel heard and know that you own the impact of your actions. You can even check back with me to see if you’ve understood correctly for good measure. For example: “I’m understanding that not telling you about x and only mentioning it casually weeks later made you feel like I didn’t trust you to know about such an important event. Did I get that right?”
Say that you are sorry - It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that, but it has to be felt. For example: “I’m really sorry, I can totally see why you would feel that way.”
Offer a specific action or remedy that will help prevent this from happening again - Keep it small and real, but significant. You can’t promise it will never happen in future, but you can commit to trying. For example: “I really don’t want this to happen again so the next time x comes up, I will give you a call, which will be easier for me than to put it into a message. How does that sound?”
Acknowledge the importance of the feedback - This will help me trust that I can tell you things that are difficult to hear in future. For example: “I’m really glad you told me. It wasn’t easy to hear, but I will always want to know how my actions made you feel.”
It’s at this point that it makes sense to ask if I’m open to hearing an explanation of how this all came about. My answer is almost definitely going to be yes. And that’s because a) you asked for my consent, and b) you listened to me first before launching into your explanation.
What’s likely to happen from there is that we reach more mutual understanding and forgiveness.
The central move is to turn towards the person who is hurt, not to try and talk them out of how they’re feeling with long-winded explanations that centre circumstance and intention over action and impact.
Mia Mingus gave us the four parts of accountability in 2019: self-reflection, apology, repair and changed behaviour. This might seem so simple on the surface but is a difficult yet vital skill that most of us don’t get taught and struggle to do well.
The consequence is weaker relationships, more porous boundaries, less trust, less safety, less learning and growth.
So, the next time someone trusts you to hear that you have caused them some hurt or upset, try this:
Slow down
Be as much in your body as possible
Use less words
Put yourself into the other person’s shoes and speak from that perspective
Trust that there is enough space for you to share your explanation if it’s still relevant
Appreciate the feedback even when it was hard to hear or you didn’t agree with all of it
Affirm that moving through these kinds of wobbles together is what strengthens relationships
These are foundational skills for building a world that includes, respects and honours all of us. `We don’t need years of training to learn them - we can start right here, with ourselves and the people in our lives.