The underrated quality of appreciation
What’s your immediate reaction when you hear the word ‘feedback’?
For a lot of people, it’s some variation of fear. They associate feedback with criticism, with being wrong, with shame and judgement. And they avoid it - sometimes at any cost.
That’s understandable if you see feedback as a kind of scary monster. But that’s not all feedback is.
Feedback is letting someone know how their behaviour has impacted you - which may be anything from irritating to delightful.
Giving feedback to someone about something that has hurt you is difficult for many of us, particularly in the context of a dominant culture that is deeply conflict avoidant.
When approaching feedback, people often think they have to just ‘push through’ and ‘say the thing’.
But what I have noticed in my work supporting teams to have trustworthy conversations is that for critical feedback to land well, appreciation has to come first.
Not in the ‘sh*t sandwich’ kind of way, which can easily feel disingenuous and performative. But in a genuine, meaningful kind of way.
Concretely, that means telling the person:
What they did (the more specific the better)
How it helped / supported / impacted you (this is the bit people are most hungry for)
How you’d like to appreciate them (this can be simply by telling them or maybe you make them a cup of tea or give them a smile or something else)
I know even this can feel hard for people because they’ve been taught that showing emotional vulnerability can be dangerous, especially in the workplace. In such a context, showing someone appreciation might feel ‘over the top’ or compromise your own standing if you’re in a particularly competitive environment.
But this is a false equation. When we create a culture of appreciation in which giving each other feedback for reinforcement is a frequent and intentional practice, it builds the relational foundation for truth telling, for generosity, for connection and thriving collaboration.
Because what happens if we skip the appreciation?
In my colleague Razia Aziz's words: "The more difficult feedback you have for each other will land in an emotional desert".
A yellow image with the phrase ‘Appreciative feedback builds the relational foundation for truth telling’ written in black letters, with two drawings of leaves on either side against a textured yellow background.
When we haven’t built up the trust to receive critical feedback with the understanding that the person’s intent is for our growth, to strengthen our relationship and our work together, it is received as a threat.
The response, typically, is a mixture of defensiveness, denial, resentment or punishment of the messenger.
How often do you appreciate someone for who they are, for the great work they are doing or what they bring to your life, but don't actually tell them?
So many of us make the false assumption that competent people don’t need feedback for reinforcement.
They do. As do you and I and everyone we know.
When was the last time you received some appreciation from a friend, a colleague, a stranger, a loved one? If you cringed at first, was there something else that felt tender?
Think about the people in your circle you could offer appreciation, no matter how small. How could you let them know that you appreciate them? If you feel out of your depth, use the prompts above.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a little awkward - all change is at the beginning.
Pay attention to how they respond and how you feel for doing it.
We don’t have to go from 0 to 100. We can start gently and build up feedback skills over time. The ripple effects can be huge.